As our first date of the new year (2009), Calvin and I went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Our dates are few and far between because of Cal’s current work schedule, so dining alone was a little piece of heaven in and of itself. The atmosphere was wonderful, the food divine, and the company was perfect.

After our deliciously satisfying meal, we left the restaurant to begin the second, but most important part of our date. It requires blank paper and writing utensils.

I don’t remember the first time we did this. I just remember that it was during a time when life was complicated, overwhelming, disappointing, and frustrating. It was during an era when we were not on the same page as to where we were going as a couple or a family. It seemed we were headed in two very separate directions, and we no longer had a plan or a vision for our little family.

I remember that my sister came over to watch our kids so we could go on a date. Money was tight, and her offer was probably the only way we could be on a date together. We couldn’t afford a movie or other recreation, and I don’t think we even wanted to. We needed to spend some time as a couple alone, reassessing our life together.

We went to a restaurant (one that I had a 2-for-1 coupon to). We had dinner, and then Calvin brought out 2 blank pieces of paper and 2 pens. There we sat, in the corner of the restaurant, each with our own paper. We spent the next 10-15 minutes each writing down our goals and desires. What did we want? Where did we see ourselves in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? What dreams did we have? What did we envision for our family’s future? What elements were lacking in our life and in our family? There are no limitations and no rules in this exercise. Everything goes.

After scribling furiously for awhile, we shared our papers with each other. I don’t remember what we wrote. I just remember that somehow having it all down on paper helped us understand each other, see where we were each coming from and where we wanted to go. Suddenly cloudiness was replaced with clarity. Each time we do this, we realize that we have the same goals, just different ways of getting there. We discovered that the first night and it was very unifying.

From there, we took another blank sheet of paper, and began collectively writing down what our goals were together as a family. Some things were more important to me than to him, and some where more important to him than to me. But by discussing them openly and honestly, we were able to adjust and prioritize our lists together and make plans accordingly. Since then, we have done this several times, posting our ‘results’ where we could see them and be reminded often. It’s amazing that once we are truly unified in our direction together, achieving those goals becomes a reality instead of merely words on a sheet of paper!

This year, we already felt unified in our current direction and plans. Over the years, we’ve learned to practice this technique (thanks to some excellent counseling) on a more day to day basis to maintain unity and consistent direction. What a wonderful feeling it was this year to be able to go take this exercise a step beyond!

It being the new year and all, we decided to take a blank sheet of paper and create our family’s New Year’s Resolutions. We listed several categories we felt were important- spiritual, recreational, financial, health, etc. Then we listed things we felt were important for us in each category. We know all too well that trying to tackle everything on the list is impossible, and that in fact it will destroy the desire to even attempt the New Year’s resolutions. So after looking at each list, we would select a few that were MOST important; things that we thought we could really follow through with as a family. Then we listed specific goals we had for each child, and specific needs we wanted to focus on. Each child is so different and we felt it was important to take a step back and look at how our family is doing individually as well as collectively.

Several years ago I came across Stephen R. Covey’s book called, “The 7 Habits for Highly Effective Families.” On the very first page he says,

“Good families- even great families- are off track 90% of the time! The key is that they have a sense of destination. They know what the ‘track’ looks like. And they keep coming back to it time and time again.”

Later he says, “Hope lies not in the deviations but in the vision, the plan, and the ability to get back on track.”

I don’t know exactly what our future will be, but I know that by meeting often to reassess, we have a much better chance of getting wherever it is we want to go.

These little dudes that I see day in and day out appear perfect and beautiful to me, dirty faces and all. It’s like I remember all of a sudden how precious they are to me, and what a massive void they would leave in my heart if they were gone. And then I feel proud of who they are and the specific challenges they work to overcome (the progress that only a mother would observe). I smile inside at their successes and strengths, because they make me so proud. I love their quirks, their laugh, their fears, their craziness, their freckles, and the way their hair sticks up on the side. I am totally, 100% theirs, and I can’t wait to see what this little young person grows into.

And then the world comes spinning back into reality and I fetch the glass of milk that sweet boy was asking me for. And I don’t mind as much.

It’s a good thing these moments come every once-in-awhile, or I would get lost in the business of life (or freak out when that glass of milk gets knocked across the table). These rare and tender moments are so etched in my mind, I think I will remember them when I am 102 years old.

To see the official letter from the church, click here,

A Return to Virtue
“Now is the time for a return to virtue!”

The attribute and value of Virtue has been added to the Young Women theme. “Virtue is a pattern of thought and behavior based on high moral standards. It encompasses chastity and moral purity.”

The time has come for the young women of the Church to lead the world in a return to virtue. This is the time to be pure and to qualify for the guidance of the Holy Ghost. In the coming year, it is our desire that all young women and their leaders focus on the meaning of virtue, what young women can do to accept and act upon this value, and how this attribute can strengthen young women as they prepare to be worthy to make and keep sacred covenants and receive temple ordinances.

We will distribute through local priesthood leaders and also post online the Personal Progress value experiences and projects associated with this value. We desire all young women to complete and be recognized for completing this value, in addition to the seven values listed in the Personal Progress book. You may want to study the following scriptural references as you contemplate a return to virtue.

“I believe one virtuous young woman led by the Spirit can change the world.”

Taken from lds.org

Today I wanted to let everyone in on a little debate Bethy and I have had among ourselves for several months. I don’t mean a debate between us, but a debate we have been having collectively with ourselves. Ironically, it’s the same debate we’ve begun to see taking place around us as the world has been coming to terms with its definition of “Family.”

Our purpose in starting the Family Soup was to help people around us who felt lonely, helpless, and ashamed find strength and hope in their family situations by recognizing the reality of struggle in other families who might otherwise appear (or work hard to appear) “perfect.” There was a time when my wife and I questioned very seriously if we would stay together as a couple or have our family torn apart by some seemingly insurmountable differences. As we found a way to overcome our problems, we began to see that there were also other families and individuals who had also thrown off the strains of difficulty they faced.

The change for us was as distinct as night and day. We used to believe that if we stayed together, we would be looking forward to a life of general friction and sacrifice. Today we enjoy general peace, joy, romance, and harmony which we used to assume would not be part of this life. We are not the same person, but we are together in our direction, goals, and understanding; it hurts to say goodbye even for a short time.

There were many things and many people that helped along the way, for which we will always be grateful. But if you were to dope me up on truth serum, connect me to a lie detector, and technologically extract precise impulses of knowledge from my brain, in each case you would come to the same conclusion–that I know without a single doubt exactly when and how things turned around, and WHO suddenly stepped in and straightened everything out. Let the world doubt all they want, but my wife and I witnessed a miracle–and we remember it every day.

But in doing The Family Soup, we haven’t wanted to alienate those who need help in their families but who aren’t of our faith. We’ve struggled with how to approach the subject of family without dominating it with potentially controversial religious tones. And my last two sentences make me want to scream.

“Not of our faith?” “Potentially controversial religious tones?” You’ll have to forgive me, but it feels like trying to help someone get electricity to their house by rigging something with some “politically correct” double AAs when I know that right nearby is an outlet to the city’s main power source.

Or “I desperately need to get my plumbing fixed because my house is flooding! My plumber doesn’t seem to be doing the job, but I won’t use the plumber that fixed your pipes because that’s YOUR plumber. Oh no, I couldn’t do that! And by the way, I don’t want to talk about your plumber–it offends me.”

Or someone’s only mode of transportation isn’t working, their stranded, and they say “Fine, I’ll call the mechanic–but this is how I expect him to fix it or he’s outta here!”

Folks, either something works or it doesn’t. My faith or yours is irrelevant. THE major factor in saving our marriage was learning some things about life beyond this one–things that were important that we thought we already understood by virtue of the fact we were members of a church but in reality didn’t have a clue about. Our understanding of those things didn’t come by our own intelligent efforts to study them. They were handed to us on the inside, they were a gift. And they only came when we were completely honest with ourselves, were bereft of all of our pride, and turned to Heavenly Father completely. I don’t know what else to say.

So in the principle of honesty I intend to open up and be myself on The Family Soup. I intend to tell things straight as I see them and if it comes across as preachy or overtly-religious, I hope you’ll understand that for me truth doesn’t separate itself into people’s opinions or categories. Things either work or they don’t. Things either are or they aren’t. We can thank science for teaching us that when we observe the same result after repeated experiment, we can assume that we will continue to see that result in future application. I couldn’t agree more.

Thanks,

Calvin

“Marriage & Family: Gospel Insights” was published in 1983 by two of my favorite authors- Stephen R. Covey and Truman G. Madsen. The first page says simply, “to our grandchildren.” I don’t know why, but it tickles me even more to know that this was written before ‘The 7 Habits’ even came out. Both Covey and Madsen are intellectuals and spiritual giants. I am pleased to share this particular gem regarding parenting with you from their book. Calvin and I have recently recognized these three types of problems in our kids, which is why it was so cool to hear it put into words- and so clearly! I hope you find this useful too….

“One of the most important distinctions parents need to learn is the three kinds of problems they may have with their children. The first one we could call a value problem; it attempts to answer the question, “Should the child do it?” The second one we could call a competence problem having to do with the question, “Can the child do it?” The third becomes a motivational problem having to do with the question, “Does the child want to do it?”

It is important not to confuse one of these questions with the other. One child might know that he should take care of the yard, and even know how to do it, but not want to do it. Another child may know how to mow the lawn but doesn’t feel he should mow the lawn (perhaps because he did it last week or he doesn’t think it needs it) and therefore doesn’t want to do it. Another child may want to repair the sprinkler, knows it should be repaired, but simply doesn’t know how to do it.

One time I found myself criticizing my very young son for throwing all his clothes in a heap in the center of the floor of his room. I continued to give the value solution: “Don’t you realize, son, you shouldn’t do this? Do you realize what will happen when your clothes get wrinkled and dirty like this?” You should, you should, you should! He didn’t resist me; he didn’t rebel- he agreed. Still, day in and day out, his clothes were in a heap. I even sensed he wanted to do as I asked, but I never really questioned whether he could, whether it was a problem of competency.

One day I thought to myself, “Maybe he simply does not know how to hang up his clothes. He’s just a little kid,” So I took about half an hour to train him at how to hang up his clothes. He enjoyed the training. He enjoyed the process, as we had a good feeling with each other and he was learning and I wasn’t belittling or moralizing or preaching or condemning. It represented a substantial deposit in the emotional bank account. It also stirred up the motivation or the desire to do on his own what he had learned.

Years later this same son had the same problem again, but the nature of it was no longer competency; it was motivational, and it took a motivational solution to solve it.

Value-type problems- I suggest that in most instances a value-type problem (”should I do it”) is solved in the quality of the relationship, or what we have been calling the emotional bank account. The solution is a teaching solution, but 95% of the teaching is modeling and relating, or building the emotional bank account, and perhaps only 5 or 10 percent is telling.

-Competency problems- I suggest that most competency problems are amenable to training. However a training solution usually requires a positive emotional bank account as well, which to some degree is built on the teaching relationship. “Whom can I teach by my friends?”

This sister-in-law is married and wants to have children someday, but feels conflicted for many reasons. I can understand her confusion when so many moms, including myself, report that: ‘it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times.’ Who wouldn’t think twice? It is a life-changing decision.

The following is her question:

“I’m currently not exactly “eager” to have a baby. I’m a little
paranoid about the economic crisis, especially with my being the major
breadwinner right now and school still ahead of us. Obviously, it will
take a lot of praying and soul-searching to find. Hey, I could be a
mom - but, I was curious if you have any insights on motherhood -
like, how your life changed (for the better, I presume), the
challenges kids brought and how you faced them, and how you feel about
being a mom… My question is pretty vague, I know; I’m just curious
3about your thoughts.”

I started writing my answer, and I realized that she probably needed more than just my perspective. So I sent out a survey about motherhood to some friends and family and will be posting the responses here and there.

The following post is the response of the wife of one of Cal’s favorite mission companions. I hope you enjoy her responses as much as I did.

My Thoughts on Motherhood…

by Julie Lemke

1. Why did you decide to become a mom? Did pressure or guilt play a role in your decision to become a mom? How did you deal with it?

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I also wanted to go to law school & had already done well on the Law School Admissions Test when I became engaged [Read more →]

The part I am writing about today, I almost didn’t include in my talk. It didn’t exactly ‘fit’ smoothly, so I ended up throwing it in at the end. I’m so glad I did!  Several people discussed it with me, after the fact, saying it was something they had never heard or thought of in regards to marriage.      

This last year, I have been studying from a book on personal revelation by Gerald Lund.  It is, in my opinion, the best, most comprehensive, and personal book there is on the subject.  Personal revelation is so…complicated.  It is a powerful form of communication, therefore it obviously must be a dedicated, sincere process.

Now add to this very delicate process, your spouse.  Can you say ‘more complicated?!’  At least that’s how I viewed it for so many years.  Receiving personal revelation on my own is hard enough.  It takes time to develop that tender relationship between you and the Lord, and to learn how you communicate together.  Now try and bring another person into the mix, and try to receive direction for your family together. 

Add to it: 1 dose of sensitivity, 1/2 cup of stubbornness, 1 cup of ‘previous baggage,’ 2 shakes of doubt, 1 tsp of fear,  1 package of unknown factors, and 3 cups of blind love.  NOW what do we have?!

I love Gerald Lund’s book because it takes ‘complication’ out of this process.  It is actually quite simple.  When I read the following account in his book, I immediately wrote in the margin, ‘How a couple should receive revelation together.’  It was like a light went on in my head.  I read it to Cal over the phone, and since that day, we have been led, together, in some pretty amazing directions. 

I’ll let Gerald’s words stand for themselves.  Here he has just described the process of calling a new Stake President.  Two General Authorities go into an area they have little knowledge of (and sometimes they don’t even speak the language!).  Within 24 hours, they have called and sustained the man the Lord has for this calling.  Sometimes the process of receiving this revelation is direct.  Sometimes it is subtle.  Sometimes it comes only after meeting with them several times, and sometimes without meeting the person at all.  But each time, the two General Authorities come together to make a decision, each having had their own personal witness.    

“When the interviews have been completed, the two authorities close the door and spend time together reviewing their experiences.  They go over the list of names again.  They share thoughts and feelings they may have had during the process.  They discuss impressions that have come.  This fits another scriptural model on how to receive personal revelation.  Oliver Cowdry was told that it was not enough to simply ask the Lord for an answer.  He was to study it out in his mind, and then ask the Lord if his decision was right.  Then would come a confirmation, either as a stupor of thought or a burning in the bosom (see D&C 9:8-9).

In some cases, this discussion may last only a few minutes because both authorities have a clear conviction about who the person is to be.  In other instances, there may be no such feelings with either of them, and a more prolonged discussion is required to let the feelings and impressions come.  Though it doesn’t happen often, there are times when they receive no confirmation about any of the men they have met.  In such cases other names are sought and further interviews are conducted.  But whatever particular route the process may take, the two brethren who have the assignment constantly search their own mind and heart.  They look inward, reviewing feelings they have had or thoughts that have come to them.

During this private consultation process (or studying it out in their minds), eventually the two brethren come to a consensus.  They reach a joint decision.  At that point, they kneel together in prayer and put their decision before the Lord.  Typically, each prays individually, placing the chosen name before the Lord and asking the Lord “if it be right” (D&C 9:8).  When the prayers are finished, they briefly sit, quietly looking inward, searching their heart and listening for that still small voice of confirmation.  When it is clear they are in complete harmony on the matter, they invite the chosen person back and extend the call.”  Hearing the Voice of the Lord, by Gerald Lund, p.56

Wow! I think his description stands on it’s own.  Now there’s a recipe that we can follow.  There is one ingredient that without, this recipe will fail.  Humility.  Humility to go to the Lord, humility to accept any answer, humility to accept that maybe your spouse was ‘right,’ humility to carry out received revelation- even though it is different than you expected, humility to show gratitude for His generosity, humility to give credit of success where credit is due, humility to keep coming back for further direction…

For years, Cal and I did not function this way.  It’s hard to say what we missed out on and where we went wrong.  What matters, is that as soon as we started practicing receiving answers together in this way, our lives did a 180.  Here’s to a life together of revelation- individually, and together.

I suppose this is a coming out party of sorts for me. For quite a while now, Bethy has been asking me to participate in The Family Soup in more than just a technical capacity. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tip-toe in without screwing everything up. Since this whole project was her idea I really just enjoyed watching her work on something she was passionate about from the sidelines.

But she’s told me she wants this project to represent both of our perspectives on family, and since I do share her excitement on the subject I’ve decided to fore go tip-toeing and stomp right on in.

She’s making room for me on the desk in the editor’s corner, but I am not to make any messes or touch any of her things. ; )

You’ll probably see me in the kitchen once in a while also, but usually I just come in to see what’s cookin.

I’ll also just announce here that the reason things have been quiet for a week or so is because we’ve had lots of visitors and I’ve had to do a little ‘home improvement’ and add on a couple of new rooms! keep an eye out for them this next week.

So I’ll be back tomorrow to try to say something intelligent. Be patient, I’m just a truck driver,

Sincerely,

Calvin

It IS hard to get to church with kids. And to parents who have to do it alone, because of church callings, or because they are the only parent, it is even more amazing that you make it to church. My hat is off to you for your efforts. My husband had to work over Sundays for training for a few months, and I remember being exhausted after church trying to gather my 2 boys towards the car, while holding a squirming baby. Boy #2 (I’m still mad, can you tell?) darted out across the parking lot, and proceeded to run all the way across, ignoring my frantic calls. Luckily he wasn’t hit, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I went home bawling that day, swearing I’d never return alone again.

But as Heather describes, there really isn’t any other place that I want to be, or that I want my family to be at on Sundays. It brings a peace that you just can’t replace by staying home because it’s ‘easier’. Learning gospel principles and feeling the Lord’s love reminds me of my real purpose in being here, and brings great perspective as to why I had a family, and I am reminded that I need to draw on the Lord for strength more and complain less.

My sweet grandma used to tell me that she was sure angels walked the halways at church with the moms and dads holding fussy children. She was just sure that the parents (and even the fussy children) were being blessed for obeying, even though they didn’t hear much- and that the kids were learning by example to do what’s right, even when it is tiring. So thanks, Heather, for sharing this! It was very entertaining, and a good reminder of WHY I am willing to go through ‘Sunday chaos’ each week too.

Sunday Drama

By Heather Walker

Walking into church Sean and I congratulated ourselves out loud-

4 pair of panties for little buns-check

8 shoes on-check (oh, except Amelia (1 yr) already had hers off and
Sean was carrying them),

Lots of teeth brushed- check

4 heads of hair combed-check

A serious bag of cheerios- check

Our calling stuff-check

All four children- check
(once in a while someone slips through the cracks [Read more →]

Candice had just run her first marathon in St. George, and her experience was incredible!.  I was so moved, I emailed her for permission to share her story.  There are many life parallels in her running experience.  Not only did it almost make me want to get up and run a marathon (I hate running), but it made me think about helping those around me as kindly as Lowell helped Candice.  It was such a simple thing, really, but Lowell’s act of service was an act of grace to a fellow struggling runner.  We are all running in life, and I believe we each experience a time during our race when we don’t think we can run any more. 

Candice never saw Lowell after the race, but when she shared her experience in church, a woman in the congregation approached her who had been Lowells’ neighbor in Idaho.  She gave Candice his contact information, and she was able to call him and thank him personally for his kindness.  Lowell emailed me the story behind his running experiences, which you can read after Candice’s article below.

Meet Lowell.  This is him in the St. George Maraton.           

This is Lowell running backwards.  Look how happy he is!  Wouldn’t you want to be running by him?

This is Candice being congratulated by her kids.

The hat and gloves…

Candice with her family.

My Marathon Experience, by Candice Rodgers

I finished my first marathon today! I ran it in 4 hours and 14 minutes. I really wanted to run it under 4 hours, but we had cold rain the whole 26.2 miles and my body took a turn for the worse because of it! Unfortunately, I was not dressed for the rain. My gloves were not waterproof, and I had taken off my soaked sweats and jacket at mile 4. Needless to say, I started to lose my body heat quickly [Read more →]

Lowell’s Running Story

For what it’s worth here is my running story in a nutshell.

My best friend Terry Jensen got me running in 1979 by going up to the ISU Minidome after work every night starting in January.  A month later I had gained a pound and could not run a mile.  Two months later I still struggled with a mile but had had two 2-mile runs and one 3-mile.  Terry challenged me to try and run 5 on the second Saturday in March.  When we went to the mindome I was sure I had the Black Plague as I didn’t think I could do even one mile.  Ended up running 10. 

We did some races and my first marathon on July 24th in Salt Lake on the Deseret News Course.  It was hard and Terry wasn’t there to meet me at Mile 22 like he promised .  So I really struggled.  He met me at Mile 24 down by Sears and chewed me out for walking.  He chided me until I was running again and I finally got to where I thought I was pretty fast once again and rather amazed I could still run.  While I was being so impressed with myself I looked over to Terry on my right and he was walking as fast as I was running!  Running can be relative.

On September 17th in 1979 I ran a race that started at 2 p.m. in 82 degree temps.  A 10K.  I was gung ho and ended up in the hospital with internal bleeding and was unable to run for another 5 years.  In 1984 I ran St. George for the first time and experienced the emotional fear of knowing running could kill you as it almost had me.  But at Mile 4 I “ran through a door” that put that fear behind me forever.  In those 5 years I had searched for answers to what had happened to me and we finally started to learn some things about heat and hydration the gave me enough sorta-confidence to walk through the fear of St. George.

We ran until 1992 and then got lazy for a decade.  Terry gave me an entry to St. George for my 60th Birthday on August 1, 2002.  He had pulled some strings to get me in as the lottery was closed and I had only 2 months to get ready; had only run some 10Ks.  That turned out to be the beginning of a nice running group with roots in Denver, Wichita and Pocatello. 

St. George this year was my 52nd marathon.  And my 12th St. George.  My fastest ever were two 3:32s in 1988 and 1989.  Third fastest ever was last year at St. George with a 3:44:59.  In the 65-69 age group last year I won my age division 5 of 8 marathons with one of them being a 6:18 at the Tecumseh Trail marathon in Indiana on December 1st.  That was a terribly tough forested course and included an extra mile as Terry and I ran an extra mile to get help for a lady in our group who hung up on a root and broke her leg and was bleeding.  This year I have only placed 1st one time; here in Pocatello.  But was 2nd in Ogden in May and 2nd in Alaska in June and 2nd at the Logan Top of Utah marathon in September.  I  was #3 in age the week after Ogden at the Bayshore Marathon in Traverse City, Michigan; Terry was #2.  Terry ran a 2:58 marathon back in the late 70s so we call him “JackRabbit” and I consider myself lucky any time I beat him.

I am not competitive but am in love with the kind people I meet running.  It is an area of my life where I have learned you can be totally “safe” and never have to watch your words and be fun and open with people.  Runners are the best friends and the best citizens and neighbors as they have discovered that real health is just recognizing the only race in life is with yourself.