I met Angie last year when I joined the neighborhood preschool where we lived in Henderson, NV. She has 3 active boys, just like me.

Angie is an amazingly strong woman. She’s been a mortgage broker, has her first novel coming out this year, and is a breast cancer survivor.

I love this article because, well, it kind of sounds like my day today (minus the husband part), and it’s reassuring that even the strongest women go through this!

What Did You Do All Day? By Angie Welch

Blocks tumbled across the floor as the boys abandoned their Lego’s and raced for the squawking garage door. For me that familiar squawk meant a warm hug and conversation beyond whether the Power Rangers could take the Justice League in a fight, or why a Kleenex is superior to a bare finger for some jobs… [Read more →]

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by Bethany Cory

A few weeks ago at a Girl’s Night Out, I was catching up with an old friend.  We updated each other on our whereabouts and how our families were doing.  When we last parted, Cal was making the switch to truck driving so she wanted to know how things were going for us.  I was pleased to report that we are better than we’ve ever been, financially and as a family. 

When we last saw each other, she and her husband were experiencing some tough times financially- lost investments, selling their house, and jumping from job to job trying to make ends meet.  I recognized this pain in her.  It’s a financial pain that can’t be cured by a doctor’s visit.  It’s a stress that I can’t ever forget.

We talked a bit about the financial stresses, how she was thinking of going back to work, and what a struggle it is to be a woman caring for children, and not know if you’ll have enough at the end of the month to still by diapers.  We got kind of serious, because that kind of pain deserves the deepest, truest empathy.  There was a pause in conversation, then she asked me this quietly: “Did you guys ever fight when you were struggling financially?”

I wanted to laugh out loud.  Girl, we fought so much, we couldn’t even talk about the weather anymore without polarizing!  Of course we fought!  It was awful.  It was painful.  It made the stress of not having money even more stressful, though I know it was the not having money that brought on the stress.  Then I shared with my friend the only analogy I’ve ever been able to come up with that explains what I felt like. 

“You see, it was like I was a mother bear.  And I had 2 cubs.  And I was hovering over those cubs, ready to protect, defend and fight anybody/anything that threatened us.”    (In fact, my husband became one of the aggressors in my mind.  So though we were supposed to be on a team and work together, he was actually also the very thing I feared and fought against.  Not very productive for a marriage).  

I loathe those days.  They were nearly the end of our family.  I became so stressed and twisted and consumed with staying afloat, that I was constantly in a state of ‘fight or flight.’  This stage, as psychologists will tell you, is fine momentarily when you are being attacked by a bear and need to flee for your life.  But when you live like this long term, it eats away your soul and robs you of  sanity and peace of mind.

I was glad to be able to relate to this friend.  I hope I brought her some hope, or at least made her feel like somebody understood her pain.  Then she said something that affected me.  She said, “You know, with the change in economy and everything that’s happened, I know of more and more marriages that are falling apart because of the stress of money.”

She is so dead on!  It’s easy to get along when things are going great.  Your biggest fight might be about your in-laws, how much money should be set aside for retirement, what furniture to buy, or where to vacation.  When you aren’t sure you’ll have enough to keep your home powered… well that is completely different ball game. 

People ask us all the time how we can stand having Cal in the trucking industry where he’s gone during the week.  I just look them in the eye and say, “It’s a whole lot better than we didn’t know where the next paycheck was coming from!”  And my husband would agree 100%.  Financial stability changed our marriage.  Cal’s uncle said it pretty well last weekend.  Uncle Terry shared his experience of being out of work.  At the same time, he was also the ecclesiastical leader in his church, and he describes the compassion he felt (because he could relate to it) for those that were struggling financially. 

He also said something I have experienced first hand.  He said when you struggle financially, you add stress to the relationship.  You are quick to judge, quick to be irritated, quick to be selfish, and quick to act out of desparation.  He and his wife had a great relationship and were never in danger of separating, but still the financial hardship took a toll on their marriage.

I can’t help but think of how it nearly destroyed ours.   I think the media is overdoing the economic crisis at hand, but I do think there is wisdom in taking a look at your marriage as carefully as you look at your portfolio.

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I met Amy about 10 years ago. We were both counselors for a summer youth program called ‘Academy for Girls.’ I recently caught up with her through her blog. She married her high school sweetheart, Joe, and they are such a fun couple. I’d love to be a kid in her family.

I read this entry on her blog and it really hit home for me. I come from a large family and always felt underlying pressure (from myself) about how many kids to have and when to have them. It is so refreshing to know that others, who want families as well, struggle with this question.

Making the Decision, by Amy Lee

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by Bethany Cory

Yesterday I plopped down on my couch with a friend for a much needed break (after an exhausting morning of getting our hair done together, ha ha). The kids were playing and we flipped on the tv to a show with two women hosts. They brought up a very interesting question.

Why do people get married?

I was curious to hear their discussion. The first host was obviously anti-marriage. She’s probably been divorced a time or two and it has left a foul taste in her mouth. The second host was idealistic, dreamy and pro-marriage. She really wanted to know what motivated people to marry.

So they interviewed a few professionals. Here were some of the reasons mentioned by the idealist host, the bitter host, and the professionals…

- Companionship

-Security

-Boredom with single life

-Love

-To raise a family

-Money

-Tradition

And several more.

Most of the reasons above were labeled as good reasons. Except for love. The bitter host kept saying, “You fall in love, you’re young, and in 5 years you’re a different person.” So you move on and find love again. But doesn’t that cycle just repeat itself? It got me thinking. Obviously there are times when you ARE really going in different directions after 5 years. And it’s best to move on to protect yourself.

My husband and I were going in different directions after 5 years. In fact, for two years we were heading in different directions. We fought, we went to counseling… it was a very painful era. We loved each other, but there were times when we wondered if we would actually be able to work out our differences. Even our counselor shrugged his shoulders and wasn’t sure that we would make it. (Either that was just a tactic, or he really didn’t see any hope in us either.) I remember him asking us if we loved each other, to which we both replied, “Yes.” Then he asked us if we wanted our marriage to work. We did. We really did. We just had no idea how, and after all, we were going in different directions.

People talk about marriages having a 7 year ‘lull.’ I’d say ours was from 5-7 years. It was difficult, it was painful, but we made it! We made a conscious choice that we wanted to be with each other and to keep our family together more than we wanted anything else. Anything else. I wish I could say exactly what changed our marriage. I know making a choice to fight for it was impactful. But I’d be lying if I didn’t count all the miracles that took place- the people that influenced us, the blessings that came, and the sheer act of turning to God individually and as a couple.

We all know what repentance is. You repent as an individual all the time. But have you ever used that same process together as a couple? Where you allow God to apply the same principles of forgiveness and change to your marriage, as you would an individual?

We got married because we fell madly in love. 5 years later, we still loved each other, but we needed more than love to keep us together. We needed to both choose to make it work. And then pray for a miracle.

At our 7 year anniversary dinner, we were too poor to go out to eat, so Cal bought a Costco rotisserie chicken, French bread, and a bag of caesar salad…all by candle light. There were a lot of hurt emotions from the past few years, but we were on our way to moving forward together.

Cal put on a song. I thought it would be a romantic song to dance to. Imagine my surprise when instead, he played, “Eye of the Tiger,” by Survivor. This is the ‘Rocky’ theme song, if you aren’t familiar with it. It may sound totally stupid and cheesy, but he committed that he would ‘fight’ for our marriage- that he wouldn’t give up and would do whatever it took. This was so meaningful to me, I started bawling. It was way more romantic than playing a sappy love song. What he was saying was that he was going to choose and work. That is what I think marriage is about. Loving somebody, choosing to be together for life, and then spending your life working together.

As we approach our 9 year anniversary, surprisingly, it isn’t really ‘work’ anymore. We overcame ‘the hurtle’ at 5 years that was almost the end of us. The pain has healed and we are so, so, so incredibly happy to be together. We made a lot of changes individually and together, and our family is happier than we have ever been. ‘Eye of the Tiger’ has become our family theme song. (Even our kids try to sing along, though their version of the song is quite comical!)

So there CAN be happily every after the 5 or 7 year ‘lull.’ You grow into a love deeper and stronger than when you first met by working through the hard things. If you gave up, you’d be missing the opportunity to experience the true joy that can come with deep, sincere, true love. Love strong enough to be willing to work hard, to get back up when you are knocked out over and over again. Love that accesses a humility and a power from above that will make up for your individual weak spots, and strengthen the collective whole into something greater than you ever could have imagined.

So to the hosts of that show, I married for love. But this is why I STAYED married.

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I first read this on Megan’s blog several months back. It made me laugh so hard! I have my share of those days for sure. Megan is a dear friend. I love her for her honesty and her realness.

The irony behind this article? Now, a year later, Megan is pregnant with TWIN boys! Yes, they are about to double their family size. I’ll be anxious to hear more about the chaos at your house, Megan, in February when those little guys are born!

Super Mom, by Megan Bradshaw

The Truth:
I woke up far earlier than the children, ate a healthy bowl of Fruit Harvest cereal and worked out in the basement, all before the sun came up. Just as I came upstairs [Read more →]

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The first official article I am posting on ‘The Family Soup’ is an article written by my husband’s cousin (in-law?), Jason. He is an attorney in Las Vegas and has the most amazing gift of articulating their family experience. They have a beautiful red-headed daughter named Chelsea, born with Down Syndrome. She is gorgeous and bright, though she is a challenge to watch at times. (I know because I watched all 3 of their kids for a day while they went out of town. Within 15 minutes of me being there, and while 2 adults were still on duty, Chelsea climbed over 2 kitchen gates, opened the red nail polish on the counter, and poured it on all over her little brother’s hair! Both Stephanie and Jason have incredible patience.)

What’s great about this article is that Jason shares with us his experience in the hospital room, those first moments when he learned his baby girl had Down’s Syndrome. It is abslutely beautiful.

My husband took these pictuctures last August at a birthday party for Chelsea and our little guy (they are only a few days apart). I don’t think he could have captured the father/daughter feeling any better…

[This is an exerpt of his article, or just click on read more at the bottom to see the whole article...

Perfect, By Jason Farrington

Las Vegas, NV

When my wife was pregnant with our oldest son, her doctor told me that he would deliver our first child but, barring any difficulties, I could deliver any children that came along later. As our son got older, however, we began to worry that we would not be able to have any more children. We did some research about various options available and prayed to know what we should do. We decided to keep trying and if we were still unable to have a second child, we would try to adopt a child with special needs. Within a month of that decision, my wife was pregnant with our daughter. [Read more →]

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My husband is incredibly creative. As a kid, he would arrange army men and legos into stop motion photography. In high school, he was involved in every art form possible, and was voted ‘Most Talented’ his senior year. In college he studied film, and once told me that sometimes when he walked, he saw things in perspective of how a film camera would capture his movements, and what shots he would use to turn an ordinary moment into cinematic beauty worth discussing. As an adult, he continues to be blessed cursed with the gift of perceiving art wherever he goes. A beautiful sunset that would make a great photo, a comical interaction with a sales clerk that would make a great scene, a few notes of music that would make a great melody… He’s the first to cry and the last to leave the theater after a good film.

I am not artistic. I can’t even draw a stick figure. But over the last few years, my eyes and heart have been opened, and I have learned to ‘see’ things as well. The things that stand out to me are seemingly ordinary and insignificant to others, but they catch my attention nonetheless, and I can’t help but write about them. Collectively, these observations are about real people and families, and the real issues they battle with.

I notice the woman standing in 109 degree heat at a Las Vegas bus stop… with her 5 children and I wonder. I wonder where she is going, if she worries about her children, what her life story is, and what the future holds for her family (provided they survive the 109 degree heat).

I fold laundry and distract myself by watching a show about ‘Prenuptial Agreements of the Rich and Famous.’ I laugh as I hear ridiculous clauses inserted by spouses into prenup agreements, and I balk at the crazy stunts spouses pull to wreak havoc on ending marriages, to either ‘stick it’ to the spouse, or to get the largest settlement they can. I finish the laundry and move on to the rest of my day, but I’m still thinking. I’m thinking about how many marriages end in divorce and I wonder if preparing for its end isn’t beginning its disintegration. Then I call my husband and tell him what outrageous clauses I want inserted in our prenuptial agreement (that doesn’t actually exist). We have a good laugh, but I’m still thinking.

I watch a historical film on an era when women had no rights in a time when marriage was simply a matter of unifying families, securing estates, or perhaps a peace offering. How is it that we have become so picky, so complacent, so demanding that most marriages (that were agreed upon by both parties, I might add) end up dissolving so bitterly?

I take my kids to play with their cousins, and I notice how my brother turns anger and frustration into laughter with his kids. I wonder if I can learn that too, and I think about how beneficial it would be for my kids if I could learn to speak their language better and control my temper more.

I catch up with a friend who is happily re-married. I listen to the struggles and the adjustments, but I see the hope and life in her eyes. I remember how hard it was for her to be a single mom. I am proud of her for how far she has come on her own, and I am thrilled that she stands by a good man. But their struggles are far from over. They have a life of issues to deal with together.

I talk with a friend who, on the surface, appears to have life perfectly under control. She has the life everybody envies. At least they think they envy it. I hear of her real issues that would otherwise be unknown. And I wonder, why do we all think we want to be you?

Like my husband, I wish I could capture the artistic moments he sees and portray them as beautiful paintings or film work. It is my hope that, in my own way, I can be a photographer that captures the real stories of life beneath the family photos- the stories of difficulty and success, pain and sorrow, the stories of strength and courage that would otherwise be left untold. My hope is that it will lift spirits, and perhaps lend a hand of strength in their own trials.

So take this form of art for whatever it is worth. Humorous at some times, and intense and thought provoking at others, I hope you will feel at right at home at ‘The Family Soup.’ So get comfy, grab a snack, and please feel free to stay awhile!

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Dear Reader,

I am just an ordinary mom. I wash clothes and dishes like everyone else. I monitor homework, pay bills and try to exercise. I tend to cuts and bruises, and I have frequent flier miles at our local pediatrician’s office. I, like you, am an ordinary person doing everyday, ordinary things. So why did I start the Family Soup?

When I married 8 years ago, I thought I had all the right tools I needed for a successful, happy marriage and family. Yet somehow, somewhere along the road, we found ourselves in need of help. Serious help. Perhaps I am so passionate about this subject because I personally experienced the pain of watching my little family hang on for dear life, threatened by our own weaknesses and influenced by the disintegrating family values in the world.

Statistically, we didn’t stand much of a chance. Thankfully I believe in miracles more than statistics, and we clung to the wisdom, hope and knowledge of others. I attribute the patience of family, the kindness of friends, and the grace of God to our survival. With that support we declared war and revived our family.

Since then, I have had dozens of friends confess family struggles to me. Most people experience, or will soon experience real family difficulty, yet seeking support openly or even admitting its existence seems taboo. I am not a counselor, nor do I have the wisdom or knowledge to be one. But I do have a passion for families and their success. There is no doubt in my mind that families are under fire. You cannot passively stand by and expect to be handed family happiness on a silver platter, not with the realities of today’s challenges.

It is my hope that The Family Soup will be a place where people can come (single, married, divorced, widowed, etc.) and gain strength and wisdom from other ordinary people who have ‘been there.’ Because in the end, no matter how important you are out there in the world, when you lay your head down at night, it’s your ordinary interactions with the ordinary people in your own home, that make the most extraordinary difference.

Bethany Cory

Editor of ‘The Family Soup’

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