I have a new goal of posting at least 3-4 times a week, and since putting my kids to bed tonight drained my brain of all intelligent capability, I pulled an old book off the shelf to see if I could find anything interesting there. Within about 10 seconds I found an awesome passage!

“Marriage & Family: Gospel Insights” was published in 1983 by two of my favorite authors- Stephen R. Covey and Truman G. Madsen. The first page says simply, “to our grandchildren.” I don’t know why, but it tickles me even more to know that this was written before ‘The 7 Habits’ even came out. Both Covey and Madsen are intellectuals and spiritual giants. I am pleased to share this particular gem regarding parenting with you from their book. Calvin and I have recently recognized these three types of problems in our kids, which is why it was so cool to hear it put into words- and so clearly! I hope you find this useful too….

“One of the most important distinctions parents need to learn is the three kinds of problems they may have with their children. The first one we could call a value problem; it attempts to answer the question, “Should the child do it?” The second one we could call a competence problem having to do with the question, “Can the child do it?” The third becomes a motivational problem having to do with the question, “Does the child want to do it?”

It is important not to confuse one of these questions with the other. One child might know that he should take care of the yard, and even know how to do it, but not want to do it. Another child may know how to mow the lawn but doesn’t feel he should mow the lawn (perhaps because he did it last week or he doesn’t think it needs it) and therefore doesn’t want to do it. Another child may want to repair the sprinkler, knows it should be repaired, but simply doesn’t know how to do it.

One time I found myself criticizing my very young son for throwing all his clothes in a heap in the center of the floor of his room. I continued to give the value solution: “Don’t you realize, son, you shouldn’t do this? Do you realize what will happen when your clothes get wrinkled and dirty like this?” You should, you should, you should! He didn’t resist me; he didn’t rebel- he agreed. Still, day in and day out, his clothes were in a heap. I even sensed he wanted to do as I asked, but I never really questioned whether he could, whether it was a problem of competency.

One day I thought to myself, “Maybe he simply does not know how to hang up his clothes. He’s just a little kid,” So I took about half an hour to train him at how to hang up his clothes. He enjoyed the training. He enjoyed the process, as we had a good feeling with each other and he was learning and I wasn’t belittling or moralizing or preaching or condemning. It represented a substantial deposit in the emotional bank account. It also stirred up the motivation or the desire to do on his own what he had learned.

Years later this same son had the same problem again, but the nature of it was no longer competency; it was motivational, and it took a motivational solution to solve it.

Value-type problems- I suggest that in most instances a value-type problem (”should I do it”) is solved in the quality of the relationship, or what we have been calling the emotional bank account. The solution is a teaching solution, but 95% of the teaching is modeling and relating, or building the emotional bank account, and perhaps only 5 or 10 percent is telling.

-Competency problems- I suggest that most competency problems are amenable to training. However a training solution usually requires a positive emotional bank account as well, which to some degree is built on the teaching relationship. “Whom can I teach by my friends?”

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