This article is actually one of the experiences that stirred my thoughts towards creating TheFamilySoup in the first place this last summer.  Perfectionism is very real and is a part of our lives in varying degrees.  But in this story, you get to be an outsider looking in at some one else trying to be perfect. It’s much easier to recognize it in somebody else than in yourself.  This is only one small part of Jamie’s story, but I’ve chosen to focus on it because I think it’s worth talking about. Tell me what you think. 

In reading about perfectionism, I came across a few quotes you might enjoy.  Some are funny, some are serious…

-No one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers. ~Author Unknown

-Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. ~Harriet Braiker

 -A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault. ~John Henry Newman

-To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

-Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~Henry van Dyke

-Gold cannot be pure, and people cannot be perfect. ~Chinese Proverb

 -When you aim for perfection, you discover it’s a moving target. ~George Fisher

Perfect Perfectionism, by Bethany Cory

(Note-  This week, the story I am choosing to share is one that I will be relating on behalf of a family member. As of today, this particular family member’s experience is still too difficult for her to write about personally, though she did attempt it. And so I will be sharing with you her voice in this article through my own words, with her permission. I will refer to her as ‘Jamie’).

Jamie is a beautiful, gorgeous girl. She is bright, talented, smart, funny, and kind. [Read more →]

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This is perhaps one of the most touching articles to me personally for several reasons. For one, the subject matter is extremely personal and challenging to talk openly about. I commend Jen for her willingness to share her experience so others can benefit. Perhaps somebody suffering with a mental illness will recognize their own need for help, or for the help of a loved one. Or perhaps somebody will simply judge a little less. Until you’ve walked in their shoes…

Second, this is a letter written by my dear sister-in-law to her sister. The sister the letter is addressed to has been struggling with severe bi-polar and schizophrenia for years. To this day, she does not see her need for help, though she is currently receiving treatment. This sister is a courageous spirit with a fiery testimony of God and an intense love for her family. It is very painful to watch a loved one live in pain, plagued by their own mind. The movie ‘A Beautiful Mind’ is a tender one to the family.

Finally, to the author of this article, Jen, I want to thank her for being an example to me and a person I admire greatly. She is so amazing. Walking down the street, you would never pick out Jen as having to deal with this struggle of Bipolar II. She has served as Relief Society President, Primary President and a Stake Primary leader. She is truly an example of a woman who puts her trust in God for her struggles, as we all must do for our own, and as a person who has taken what limitations she has in life and still continued to live.

Dear Sister:

Please know that I respect your indicated wishes to not have me delve too much into your diagnosis or condition, but on the other hand I value you so much as my sister and hope you will allow me to [Read more →]

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I first heard about Bev when I was having dinner at my cousin Janet’s house in Las Vegas.  She told me about this grandma they had adopted back in WA during law school.  Beverly had no family left and I was amazed by her story.  Janet had Bev write about her experience so we could hear what she went through.  I feel like I don’t even have the words to relate what this woman has gone through, and how she has handled it. 

What is also interesting is that for Janet, her relationship with Bev is a blessing to her too.  This relationship is two sided, and mutually beneficial.   How amazing that these two people found each other and have kept in touch.   Thanks Bev for sharing your story!  I feel much more courageous and grateful today for my family.  And I feel more humble from Janet’s example of friendship and a persevering and welcoming heart. 

This is Bev with two of Janet’s boys.

Janet posted Bev’s story as well as her own experience on her blog.  The following are both stories…

 Our Adopted Grandma, by Janet Shumway

 I have been wanting to introduce you to a dear friend of mine for some time now. She means so much to me and even though I have only known her for two short years, she has been such an influence for good in my life. I feel privileged and grateful to have a friend like her and thought you would all benefit from getting to know her better.

The short intro is this: Bev is 80 years old.. She is going to hate that I told you her age, but she should be PROUD of it! She has said herself, “80 is the new 60.” And she is right about that! She is spunky and energetic and fun. She stays in shape with Weight Watchers and her weekly yoga classes. She volunteers at the local hospital. She has an immaculate garden in Spokane, WA. (The hardest thing about leaving Spokane was moving away from Bev –but I couldn’t convince her to move to Vegas!) She is a widow who has been through tremendous heartache in her life. She has lived abroad while her husband served in the Armed Forces. She is a SURVIOR. [Read more →]

My Journey Through Grief, by Bev Olson

My story begins on March 2nd, 1954 with the death of an 8 pound baby boy a few hours after birth in an Air Force Base Hospital in Bitburg, Germany a month after I arrived there to join my husband who was stationed there. My oldest daughter, Janet who was 4 and a half and I had flown there in early February.We named him Dennis James and he was buried in an American section of a cemetery in Frankfurt. [Read more →]

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What can I say about Adam?  He’s been best friends with Calvin since highschool, and is the husband of my best friend.  Yes, Calvin set them up when we were dating.  They are practically family. 

If you were to take a peak into the Michaelson home, you’d find a mom, a dad, 4 boys, 1 girl, and 1 dog.  And usually some neighbor kids too.  My kids love going there because there is a just a warm feeling of family (and because it usually smells good too from Summer’s cookin’). 

Thats why I love this entry.  It’s real.  This post (that I found on his blog) is only for people that have ever raised their voice while raising their kids…

Take a Deep Breath, by Adam Michaelson

The day was coming to a crescendoing close, as it sometimes does. Summer and I were expending every effort to get the kids ready for bed and into the loft for the day’s closing ceremonies — because by golly, we were going to have a spiritual scripture study and prayer. At some point, Cody (our dog) got in my way, and any control I had at that point slipped from my fingers. I raised my voice at Cody and carted him downstairs and out the back door. As I was rushing Cody downstairs, I heard Daniel (5 yrs) say “I think dad lost his temperature.” [Read more →]

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I can’t believe this story really happened. And to my sister-in-law, too! I’ve heard it many times, and I always think of the amazing friendship, faith and service that took place. But this time while I read it, I remembered something. During our financial struggles a few years ago, this same sister-in-law sent us a check in the mail for $100 to use for necessities. It came at a much needed time and was put to good use. I’d forgotten about that. I love that the service of Becca’s wedding dress didn’t stop. I know it wasn’t comfortable for them to give $100. They have a growing family living on a budget on the east coast. It reminds me that since our financial crisis has passed, it’s time we pass on the generosity. Hmmm…

The Wedding Dress, by Becca McFadden

The coolest experience I have ever had was the experience of my wedding dress. If you have a minute, I will share it. It is a most special description of the hand of the Lord in our lives!

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I met Angie last year when I joined the neighborhood preschool where we lived in Henderson, NV. She has 3 active boys, just like me.

Angie is an amazingly strong woman. She’s been a mortgage broker, has her first novel coming out this year, and is a breast cancer survivor.

I love this article because, well, it kind of sounds like my day today (minus the husband part), and it’s reassuring that even the strongest women go through this!

What Did You Do All Day? By Angie Welch

Blocks tumbled across the floor as the boys abandoned their Lego’s and raced for the squawking garage door. For me that familiar squawk meant a warm hug and conversation beyond whether the Power Rangers could take the Justice League in a fight, or why a Kleenex is superior to a bare finger for some jobs… [Read more →]

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by Bethany Cory

A few weeks ago at a Girl’s Night Out, I was catching up with an old friend.  We updated each other on our whereabouts and how our families were doing.  When we last parted, Cal was making the switch to truck driving so she wanted to know how things were going for us.  I was pleased to report that we are better than we’ve ever been, financially and as a family. 

When we last saw each other, she and her husband were experiencing some tough times financially- lost investments, selling their house, and jumping from job to job trying to make ends meet.  I recognized this pain in her.  It’s a financial pain that can’t be cured by a doctor’s visit.  It’s a stress that I can’t ever forget.

We talked a bit about the financial stresses, how she was thinking of going back to work, and what a struggle it is to be a woman caring for children, and not know if you’ll have enough at the end of the month to still by diapers.  We got kind of serious, because that kind of pain deserves the deepest, truest empathy.  There was a pause in conversation, then she asked me this quietly: “Did you guys ever fight when you were struggling financially?”

I wanted to laugh out loud.  Girl, we fought so much, we couldn’t even talk about the weather anymore without polarizing!  Of course we fought!  It was awful.  It was painful.  It made the stress of not having money even more stressful, though I know it was the not having money that brought on the stress.  Then I shared with my friend the only analogy I’ve ever been able to come up with that explains what I felt like. 

“You see, it was like I was a mother bear.  And I had 2 cubs.  And I was hovering over those cubs, ready to protect, defend and fight anybody/anything that threatened us.”    (In fact, my husband became one of the aggressors in my mind.  So though we were supposed to be on a team and work together, he was actually also the very thing I feared and fought against.  Not very productive for a marriage).  

I loathe those days.  They were nearly the end of our family.  I became so stressed and twisted and consumed with staying afloat, that I was constantly in a state of ‘fight or flight.’  This stage, as psychologists will tell you, is fine momentarily when you are being attacked by a bear and need to flee for your life.  But when you live like this long term, it eats away your soul and robs you of  sanity and peace of mind.

I was glad to be able to relate to this friend.  I hope I brought her some hope, or at least made her feel like somebody understood her pain.  Then she said something that affected me.  She said, “You know, with the change in economy and everything that’s happened, I know of more and more marriages that are falling apart because of the stress of money.”

She is so dead on!  It’s easy to get along when things are going great.  Your biggest fight might be about your in-laws, how much money should be set aside for retirement, what furniture to buy, or where to vacation.  When you aren’t sure you’ll have enough to keep your home powered… well that is completely different ball game. 

People ask us all the time how we can stand having Cal in the trucking industry where he’s gone during the week.  I just look them in the eye and say, “It’s a whole lot better than we didn’t know where the next paycheck was coming from!”  And my husband would agree 100%.  Financial stability changed our marriage.  Cal’s uncle said it pretty well last weekend.  Uncle Terry shared his experience of being out of work.  At the same time, he was also the ecclesiastical leader in his church, and he describes the compassion he felt (because he could relate to it) for those that were struggling financially. 

He also said something I have experienced first hand.  He said when you struggle financially, you add stress to the relationship.  You are quick to judge, quick to be irritated, quick to be selfish, and quick to act out of desparation.  He and his wife had a great relationship and were never in danger of separating, but still the financial hardship took a toll on their marriage.

I can’t help but think of how it nearly destroyed ours.   I think the media is overdoing the economic crisis at hand, but I do think there is wisdom in taking a look at your marriage as carefully as you look at your portfolio.

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I met Amy about 10 years ago. We were both counselors for a summer youth program called ‘Academy for Girls.’ I recently caught up with her through her blog. She married her high school sweetheart, Joe, and they are such a fun couple. I’d love to be a kid in her family.

I read this entry on her blog and it really hit home for me. I come from a large family and always felt underlying pressure (from myself) about how many kids to have and when to have them. It is so refreshing to know that others, who want families as well, struggle with this question.

Making the Decision, by Amy Lee

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by Bethany Cory

Yesterday I plopped down on my couch with a friend for a much needed break (after an exhausting morning of getting our hair done together, ha ha). The kids were playing and we flipped on the tv to a show with two women hosts. They brought up a very interesting question.

Why do people get married?

I was curious to hear their discussion. The first host was obviously anti-marriage. She’s probably been divorced a time or two and it has left a foul taste in her mouth. The second host was idealistic, dreamy and pro-marriage. She really wanted to know what motivated people to marry.

So they interviewed a few professionals. Here were some of the reasons mentioned by the idealist host, the bitter host, and the professionals…

- Companionship

-Security

-Boredom with single life

-Love

-To raise a family

-Money

-Tradition

And several more.

Most of the reasons above were labeled as good reasons. Except for love. The bitter host kept saying, “You fall in love, you’re young, and in 5 years you’re a different person.” So you move on and find love again. But doesn’t that cycle just repeat itself? It got me thinking. Obviously there are times when you ARE really going in different directions after 5 years. And it’s best to move on to protect yourself.

My husband and I were going in different directions after 5 years. In fact, for two years we were heading in different directions. We fought, we went to counseling… it was a very painful era. We loved each other, but there were times when we wondered if we would actually be able to work out our differences. Even our counselor shrugged his shoulders and wasn’t sure that we would make it. (Either that was just a tactic, or he really didn’t see any hope in us either.) I remember him asking us if we loved each other, to which we both replied, “Yes.” Then he asked us if we wanted our marriage to work. We did. We really did. We just had no idea how, and after all, we were going in different directions.

People talk about marriages having a 7 year ‘lull.’ I’d say ours was from 5-7 years. It was difficult, it was painful, but we made it! We made a conscious choice that we wanted to be with each other and to keep our family together more than we wanted anything else. Anything else. I wish I could say exactly what changed our marriage. I know making a choice to fight for it was impactful. But I’d be lying if I didn’t count all the miracles that took place- the people that influenced us, the blessings that came, and the sheer act of turning to God individually and as a couple.

We all know what repentance is. You repent as an individual all the time. But have you ever used that same process together as a couple? Where you allow God to apply the same principles of forgiveness and change to your marriage, as you would an individual?

We got married because we fell madly in love. 5 years later, we still loved each other, but we needed more than love to keep us together. We needed to both choose to make it work. And then pray for a miracle.

At our 7 year anniversary dinner, we were too poor to go out to eat, so Cal bought a Costco rotisserie chicken, French bread, and a bag of caesar salad…all by candle light. There were a lot of hurt emotions from the past few years, but we were on our way to moving forward together.

Cal put on a song. I thought it would be a romantic song to dance to. Imagine my surprise when instead, he played, “Eye of the Tiger,” by Survivor. This is the ‘Rocky’ theme song, if you aren’t familiar with it. It may sound totally stupid and cheesy, but he committed that he would ‘fight’ for our marriage- that he wouldn’t give up and would do whatever it took. This was so meaningful to me, I started bawling. It was way more romantic than playing a sappy love song. What he was saying was that he was going to choose and work. That is what I think marriage is about. Loving somebody, choosing to be together for life, and then spending your life working together.

As we approach our 9 year anniversary, surprisingly, it isn’t really ‘work’ anymore. We overcame ‘the hurtle’ at 5 years that was almost the end of us. The pain has healed and we are so, so, so incredibly happy to be together. We made a lot of changes individually and together, and our family is happier than we have ever been. ‘Eye of the Tiger’ has become our family theme song. (Even our kids try to sing along, though their version of the song is quite comical!)

So there CAN be happily every after the 5 or 7 year ‘lull.’ You grow into a love deeper and stronger than when you first met by working through the hard things. If you gave up, you’d be missing the opportunity to experience the true joy that can come with deep, sincere, true love. Love strong enough to be willing to work hard, to get back up when you are knocked out over and over again. Love that accesses a humility and a power from above that will make up for your individual weak spots, and strengthen the collective whole into something greater than you ever could have imagined.

So to the hosts of that show, I married for love. But this is why I STAYED married.

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I first read this on Megan’s blog several months back. It made me laugh so hard! I have my share of those days for sure. Megan is a dear friend. I love her for her honesty and her realness.

The irony behind this article? Now, a year later, Megan is pregnant with TWIN boys! Yes, they are about to double their family size. I’ll be anxious to hear more about the chaos at your house, Megan, in February when those little guys are born!

Super Mom, by Megan Bradshaw

The Truth:
I woke up far earlier than the children, ate a healthy bowl of Fruit Harvest cereal and worked out in the basement, all before the sun came up. Just as I came upstairs [Read more →]

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